Everybody loves a good joke. A funny joke in the lunchroom can make the whole table laugh. Jokes are one of the best parts of being a kid. But sometimes a joke is not really a joke. Sometimes it is mean words wearing a funny costume. And sometimes a joke that starts out funny keeps going until someone ends up hurt. Knowing the difference is a skill, and it is one that will make you a better friend.
Here is the tricky part. You cannot always tell a mean joke from a funny one just by listening. They can sound almost the same. The difference is in how the person hearing it feels. A funny joke makes everyone laugh, including the person it is about. A mean joke makes one person laugh, and one person feel small. If you are not sure which kind it is, look at the faces around you. Faces tell the truth, even when words do not.
A Story From the Lunchroom
Jayden and the Spilled Milk
On Monday, Jayden trips in the lunchroom and spills his chocolate milk all over his shirt. Everybody at the table laughs, including Jayden. It is funny, and he knows it. “Look out, milkman!” someone says, and Jayden laughs harder.
But on Tuesday, someone says “milkman” again when Jayden walks past. By Friday, Jayden is not laughing anymore. He eats his lunch fast and leaves early. The joke did not change. The words are the same. But Jayden’s feelings changed, and that changed everything.
The kids at the table thought they were just being funny. But a joke stops being funny the moment the person it is about stops laughing. When Jayden stopped laughing, that was the signal. A good friend notices the signal and stops.
How to Tell a Funny Joke From a Mean One
Three Questions to Ask Yourself
Before you repeat a joke about someone, ask yourself three questions. First, is everyone laughing, or just some people? A funny joke makes the whole room laugh, including the person in the middle of it. A mean joke makes one person the laugh, not part of it.
Second, would you still say it if the person were standing right in front of you? If it is a joke you would only tell behind someone’s back, that is a warning sign. Third, has it been said before? A joke told once is a joke. A joke told every single day at lunch, on the bus, and at recess is not a joke anymore. It is teasing that will not stop, and teasing that will not stop can turn into bullying, even if nobody meant it to.
The Jokes That Hurt Most
Some jokes hurt more than others, and it helps to know which ones to stay away from. Jokes about how someone looks, how they talk, what they wear, or where their family comes from are almost always hurtful, even if you meant them in a friendly way. Nobody chooses how they look or sound, and being laughed at for something you cannot change feels terrible. We all have things we are not good at yet.
Be careful with jokes about things that are private, too. If someone told you a secret, it is not joke material. If someone is going through a hard time, like their parents splitting up or a grandparent being sick, that is not a topic for a joke at lunch. If you would not want the whole school joking about it happening to you, do not joke about it happening to someone else.
What to Do When a Joke Goes Too Far
If You Are the One Being Joked About
If the jokes are about you, and you are not laughing anymore, you have every right to say so. You can say it in a calm, clear voice. “I do not think that is funny anymore. Please stop.” You do not have to yell. Say it once, clearly. Good friends listen when you say stop.
If they do not stop, tell a grown-up. Tell your teacher, the lunch monitor, or a parent. Bring the facts: who said it, what they said, and how many times it has happened. Remember, this is not tattling. And if the jokes keep coming day after day, even after you asked them to stop, that is not joking anymore. That is bullying, and you deserve help right away.
If You Are the One Telling the Joke
Maybe you are the one who told the joke, and now you can see it went too far. That happens to almost everyone at some point. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person who now has a choice. The best thing to do is apologize, and mean it. Go to the person and say, “I am sorry. That was not funny, and I will not do it again.” No excuses. A real sorry fixes a lot.
Then, change your behavior. Find something funny that does not need a target. Knock-knock jokes, silly voices, and funny stories about yourself are all safe. There are a million funny things that are not another person’s feelings. When you use humor to lift people up instead of putting them down, everybody wants to be around you.
If You Are Watching It Happen
You Do Not Have to Laugh
Sometimes the hardest part is being the one watching. The whole table is laughing, and you feel weird if you do not laugh too. But here is the thing. Nobody is forcing you to laugh. You can just not laugh. You can look away, change the subject, or invite the kid being teased to come do something else with you. All of those are strong choices.
When the audience stops laughing, the joke loses its power. The kid who is telling it will move on to something else, because jokes need a crowd to survive. You just need to stop giving the mean joke what it wants. The next time a joke at your table starts to feel wrong, trust that feeling. Your silence, or your one kind sentence, can change the whole lunch period.
Try This
Think of three funny jokes that are not about a real person. Now think of the last joke you heard that was about a real person. Ask the three questions: Was everyone laughing? Would it be okay if the person were standing right there? Has it been said before? If the joke fails any of those tests, it is not a funny joke. It is a mean one. Practice telling your three safe jokes to a friend this week, and see how good it feels to make someone laugh without hurting anyone.
Looking for an Anti-Bullying Speaker?
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Book Jim for your school: reportbullying.com or call 1-866-333-4553.
